Becoming Real

Life is HARD here at Big Woods.  Living in community requires real love and service.  As I look around me at a room full of families, I’m faced with my great insecurities as a woman, a wife and a mother.  These women have more children than me, (even those in utero - there is a women here who is 8 months pregnant with TWINS!), and more responsibilities than me, and they are still giving 100+% of themselves to the community and each other. 

I’m struggling to get my almost 2 year old out the door in the morning for 8am breakfast and prayer, and these women are helping the cooks in the morning after shuffling and preparing at least 4 children.  Some have more. 

We are learning very quickly to die to self and listen to authority.  FMC decides when we eat, when we sleep, what we do with our hours, who prepares meal, what personal chores we have, and what time is free time.  For a wife who has run her house for the last four years, the last thing I want is to have someone tell me that I’m responsible for cleaning the common bathroom (a chore I detest and always put off in my own home) and when I have to do it…not to mention the one bathroom is used by 50+ people all day long.  Yes, I clean the bathroom almost every day!  YUCK 

The first few days have been filled with talks, orientation and adjusting to the schedule.  Life here is demanding, chores to do, food to prepare, studies to partake in, talks to listen to and prepare, and 30 minutes to eat.  And as crazy as this sounds, I’m struggling most with the time to eat. 

By the time we wait in line and get our plate of food, we’ve eaten up (no pun intended) 5+ minutes of our food time.  If we’re on serving team for that meal, we eat for 10 minutes and spend the remaining time cleaning up before the next activity starts. 

My dear Raeleigh is the slowest eater that you have ever met.  In Colorado, we have her pre-feeding herself as I was preparing dinner, about 15 minutes.  Then we would sit down to eat, about 30 minutes, then we would keep feeding her till she was done, usually another 15 – 30 minutes.  If you have witnessed this escapade, you probably thank God that your children don’t take that long to eat. 

Needless to say, even Raeleigh is being challenged in this new missionary life. And Mommy is learning how to feed Raeleigh with one hand and eat with the other! J 

I’ve felt on many instances that I just might not be “cut out” for missionary life.  It’s demanding, it’s sacrificial, it’s hard work.  And more over, I’m reminded that it’s not possible without God AND it’s a life of necessary holiness.  It’s easier to quit!

This afternoon, in my defeatist attitude, I decided to spend some quality time with Raeleigh.  She’s a book lover, so we turned to a treasured book in our collection: The Velveteen Rabbit. 

If you’re not familiar with the story, the little rabbit is given to the boy as a present, but spends much of the first years of his nursery life sitting on the floor talking to an old skin horse, much used, worn and loved.  The Skin Horse is telling the young rabbit about being Real:

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day…”Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle [like the mechanical toys]?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse.  “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.  “you become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

In the tumble and rumble these last few days, I felt like a toy being toss around from place to place, squeezed, poked, pinched and shoved.  Maybe in our context, the Skin Horse could have been talking about holiness…we are all called to be holy, “perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48), but holiness isn’t ‘how we are made’, it takes a ‘long, long time’ because we have to ‘REALLY‘ be loved by Jesus.  ‘Sometimes’ it hurt, ‘it doesn’t happen all at once’, and it doesn’t happen to ‘people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.’  

 In our formation and training, we have to be strong, to not break easily, we live in community so our sharp edges can be rubbed away through humility and service to others, and we cannot have preferences to be carefully kept.  This place, is the place Ben, Raeleigh and I need to be for our holiness.  This life, is the life we need right now so that we can be the Saints we, and God, so desperately want us to be.  This year of missionary life will be the “hot house” where our “sins are ever before us” (Psalm 51:3) and our humility and charity will grow…all, and ONLY, with the help of Jesus, who loves us! 

And when we are done, most of our hair will be loved off, and our eyes will droop and we’ll be loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things won’t matter at all, because once we are holy we can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.

One night the Velveteen Rabbit was chosen as the boy’s bed toy. 

“She dragged the Rabbit out by one ear, and put him into the Boy’s arms.  That night, and for many nights after the Velveteen Rabbit slept in the Boy’s bed.  At first he found it rather uncomfortable, for the Boy hugged him very tight, and sometimes he rolled over on him, and sometimes he pushed him so far under the pillow that he Rabbit could scarcely breathe…But very soon he grew to like it, for the Boy used to talk to him, and make nice tunnels for him under the bedclothes…and they had splendid games together.”

Though it may be uncomfortable now, I await with hope the day, that I grow to like it, for Jesus is talking to me…encouraging me, loving me, and sharing his cross, his most perfect cross with me.

Jesus, hold me very tight, so that I might become Real for you!