Wooing My Heart
The first time I saw the Passion of Christ I was in a theater with my parents. In my spiritual life I was on a great walk with Jesus, side-by-side, we were deep friends. The very first strike Christ experienced at the pillar torn my heart apart. I began crying so hard I couldn't continue to watch and I was so physically upset, weeping and unable to catch my breath, my mom had to remove me from the theater.
One year for Good Friday after we were married Ben and I watched the Passion of Christ in our living room. I was at a very different place with Jesus...I went through the motions, but my heart was not in relationship with my God.
That night we watched the Passion because we didn't make it to Good Friday service. Though not an obligation, not going to that service to honor Christ in his suffering was just one way I remember not being deeply in love with my God. As Peter says in his second letter, I had become "blind and shortsighted, forgetful of the cleansing of [my] past sins" (2 Peter 1:9). As we watched that night, I didn't flinch at any strike or torn flesh. If you've seen the movie you know how graphic the torture is, how true to the real life. My heart was so numb.
This past weekend we got to experience a great milestone in our missionary journey. One year ago, at the Proclaim Conference 2013 Ben and I received our invitation from the Lord to follow him as foreign missionaries. Now here we are one year later in Intake and participating in the Proclaim Conference 2014! Proclaim is Family Mission Company's mission conference.
They bring in speakers from around the WORLD to share about our mission as baptised Christians to evangelize! It was a JOY to be reminded of the power of the Gospel in transforming lives and the work that is still yet to be done so that more people encounter, know and love Jesus! We were all set a blaze this past weekend.
One of my favorite speakers was Fr. Luis Merosne, a diocesean priest from Haiti. He and other speakers, shared of many times that the Lord confirmed His love for him and times of great consolation in prayer being reassured of the Lord's will in his life. I listened in 'spiritual envy' desiring for myself such moments that I could remember where the Lord spoke so boldly in my life that it was undeniable that it was Him and not my imagination. My prayer during the conference seemed to be 'Lord give me a moment where you confirm your love.'
We have all heard many times, 'Jesus loves me.' As a child in religious education I read it on pencils, stickers and trinkets: "Smile, God loves you." But this weekend I experienced a profound and undeniable confirmation of Jesus's love for me. As we neared the end of the conference on Saturday, the last speaker was wrapping up. I moved to the back of the room to finish up a task and was drawn in by a special video presentation. It was a collection of video clips from the Passion of Christ, slowed down and set to music; a montage of sorts of the final moments of Jesus's earthly life.
The first scene was Judas in the garden. As he leaned over to betray Jesus with a kiss, I felt myself as Judas, knowing Jesus, looking Jesus in the face and choosing sin. The minute Judas pulled back from the kiss, his eyes, his face, his whole body screamed, 'I can't believe I did that.' The tears started flowing. How many times had I, knowing the love of the Lord, knowing my salvation, knowing it was wrong, chosen sin with one breath, and in the next breath wished that I could take it away. I was Judas in that moment, sharing in his shame and disbelief in the selfishness I cling to. The tears began to well in my eyes.
I had only to see one second of the next scene to know it was the sneering face of the Roman solider as they prepared the whip to scourge Jesus. At that first strike the tears flowed uncontrollably down my face. I turned my back to the screen, unable to look at the torture, the evil, the sin that caused such horrific pain to the Jesus that I had grown to know and love over the last few years, but especially in the last two months of missionary formation. I cried, I heaved, I wept in agony. A fellow missionary, seeing my need, embraced me. In a whisper, I pleaded, 'Jesus make it stop. Jesus make it stop. I know you can stop them.' In that moment I heard him say, 'I won't. This is my love for you." I cried harder. Each whip, each wound, each drop of blood was Jesus's love for me.
He kept speaking as the screen filled with his face wincing under the pain of nails piercing his hand, his eyes piercing my heart: "Natalia Schumann I love you. And I would do it again for you." I am convicted, convinced of his love for me. I know those were not made up words in my head, but words to my heart from my loving God, answering my prayer and my heart's desire.
I pray that wherever you are in your life that you will know so undeniably of God's love for you. His love is the most powerful and real thing we can experience in this life, for it is the life to come.
Jesus speak to each of our hearts of your love. Remind us or tell anew of the pain and death, the suffering and sacrifice you offered your Father for love of us!
One year for Good Friday after we were married Ben and I watched the Passion of Christ in our living room. I was at a very different place with Jesus...I went through the motions, but my heart was not in relationship with my God.
That night we watched the Passion because we didn't make it to Good Friday service. Though not an obligation, not going to that service to honor Christ in his suffering was just one way I remember not being deeply in love with my God. As Peter says in his second letter, I had become "blind and shortsighted, forgetful of the cleansing of [my] past sins" (2 Peter 1:9). As we watched that night, I didn't flinch at any strike or torn flesh. If you've seen the movie you know how graphic the torture is, how true to the real life. My heart was so numb.
This past weekend we got to experience a great milestone in our missionary journey. One year ago, at the Proclaim Conference 2013 Ben and I received our invitation from the Lord to follow him as foreign missionaries. Now here we are one year later in Intake and participating in the Proclaim Conference 2014! Proclaim is Family Mission Company's mission conference.
 |
| Mr. Frank Summers, speaker at Proclaim & cofounder of Family Missions Company |
One of my favorite speakers was Fr. Luis Merosne, a diocesean priest from Haiti. He and other speakers, shared of many times that the Lord confirmed His love for him and times of great consolation in prayer being reassured of the Lord's will in his life. I listened in 'spiritual envy' desiring for myself such moments that I could remember where the Lord spoke so boldly in my life that it was undeniable that it was Him and not my imagination. My prayer during the conference seemed to be 'Lord give me a moment where you confirm your love.'
 |
| Fr. Luis Merosne wooing the crowd with his personal testimonies of his journey to the priesthood and reminding us all to be authentic witnesses of the true Gospel |
We have all heard many times, 'Jesus loves me.' As a child in religious education I read it on pencils, stickers and trinkets: "Smile, God loves you." But this weekend I experienced a profound and undeniable confirmation of Jesus's love for me. As we neared the end of the conference on Saturday, the last speaker was wrapping up. I moved to the back of the room to finish up a task and was drawn in by a special video presentation. It was a collection of video clips from the Passion of Christ, slowed down and set to music; a montage of sorts of the final moments of Jesus's earthly life.
The first scene was Judas in the garden. As he leaned over to betray Jesus with a kiss, I felt myself as Judas, knowing Jesus, looking Jesus in the face and choosing sin. The minute Judas pulled back from the kiss, his eyes, his face, his whole body screamed, 'I can't believe I did that.' The tears started flowing. How many times had I, knowing the love of the Lord, knowing my salvation, knowing it was wrong, chosen sin with one breath, and in the next breath wished that I could take it away. I was Judas in that moment, sharing in his shame and disbelief in the selfishness I cling to. The tears began to well in my eyes.
 |
| Jesus present in the Blessed Sacrament during adoration. This is a constant reminder of Jesus's love for each of us. |
I had only to see one second of the next scene to know it was the sneering face of the Roman solider as they prepared the whip to scourge Jesus. At that first strike the tears flowed uncontrollably down my face. I turned my back to the screen, unable to look at the torture, the evil, the sin that caused such horrific pain to the Jesus that I had grown to know and love over the last few years, but especially in the last two months of missionary formation. I cried, I heaved, I wept in agony. A fellow missionary, seeing my need, embraced me. In a whisper, I pleaded, 'Jesus make it stop. Jesus make it stop. I know you can stop them.' In that moment I heard him say, 'I won't. This is my love for you." I cried harder. Each whip, each wound, each drop of blood was Jesus's love for me.
He kept speaking as the screen filled with his face wincing under the pain of nails piercing his hand, his eyes piercing my heart: "Natalia Schumann I love you. And I would do it again for you." I am convicted, convinced of his love for me. I know those were not made up words in my head, but words to my heart from my loving God, answering my prayer and my heart's desire.
I pray that wherever you are in your life that you will know so undeniably of God's love for you. His love is the most powerful and real thing we can experience in this life, for it is the life to come.
Jesus speak to each of our hearts of your love. Remind us or tell anew of the pain and death, the suffering and sacrifice you offered your Father for love of us!
 |
| Praise & worship the Lord for his love |
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