One Year Later
We just finished our pilgrimage to the Basilica of Our Lady
of Guadalupe. My sister Dominique came with us. She starts her own
missionary formation and journey in just 1 week. Her pending Intake
means the end of our first year in missions.
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| Dominique & Soren videoing outside of the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe |
Has it already been a year? Oh the old adage, 'how fast
time flies while you're having fun!' And yes, while we've had fun, I was
actually reflecting more on the difficulties of the past year and how
good and faithful our Lord has been to me.
My mother-in-law, who I had the privilege of carpooling
with for several months after returning to work from having my first
baby, used to say 'How good God is to me.' When she spoke these words I
desired so much to truly feel them for myself and be able to repeat and
share them with others.
The Lord heard and answered that prayer. Oh how good you
are to me Jesus, patient, merciful, and doing a great work inside of me,
not because of my weak humanity, but because "you are great and do
wondrous deed; for you alone are God!" (Psalm 86:10).
I found this email I had drafted to a friend about a year
ago. We were just a few days from moving down to Louisiana for intake.
What makes this email special to me is how much I have learned and
how far the Lord has stretched me beyond this point, and how big and
beautiful the baby once in my womb has gotten. Blessed be the name of
the Lord!!
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| Our Little Handsome, 5 months on Sept 21! |
The email:
My niece told me once that the reason she loves to read so much is because she likes to "feel something" from the stories. As Ben and I prepare to head out on missions, I've had a hard time feeling anything more than overwhelmed and anxious. The list of things to accomplish in the next 2 and a half day grows by the second. I ran out of lines on my notebook paper and had to start writing slanted in the margins! I think I've felt more for two fictional kids dying with cancer, reading the Fault in Our Stars, than I have about packing up, leaving family, finishing work AND bring pregnant! Don't get me wrong, I am elated with the news of our growing family, but instead of rejoicing, I've been scared to "feel" too much.The once joyous news of a pregnancy was overshadowed with the angst of family members finding out about our pregnancy not from us, the fight that insued about "sharing information that was not yours to share" and the breakdown of realizing our family, probably much like us, hasn't processed our pending departure. No we're not selfish, but yes we're still leaving...which has been frequently questioned now that we have one in utero.
About a week into my known pregnancy we found out a few complications, the corpus luteum, which is essential for establishing and maintaining pregnancy through the production of progesterone, was three times the size that is should be, and my progesterone levels were half what they should have been. We feared a greater risk of miscarriage and a possible poisonous rupture if the corpus luteum were to fold over on itself.
It's seems silly to write all those things now, we're by no means in the clear, but it seems melodramatic or hypochondriac-ish. Instead of taking the news we received with trust that the Lord's hand was all over our move, our new mission and this new child, I think I detached, with minor breaking moments. I kept telling myself, if the Lord doesn't want us to have this baby it's ok. It sounds callous to write that I was ok with a miscarriage, but in reality I think it was my excuse for coping with the news...I didn't want to feel the pain of any possible unpleasant outcome. It was too much, along side leaving my job, family, home and all that I know. I was overwhelmed and detachment seemed to help me move through the details of the day without bursting into tears. However, in my breaking moments (full on balling in front of my boss and my replacement one morning), I was reminded that it's ok to feel pain, hurt and even to cry...Jesus wept over hard moments. It just so happened to be the feast of the Beheading of John the Baptist. And it was ok for me to grieve the loss of many things, unfinished projects, unfulfilled hopes, and life as I know it. My boss, after praying over me (the only way to handle a hormonal emotional woman), reminded me that I have permission to feel, the good, the bad and the ugly!
God of mercies, love of mine.
I have surrendered to your design.
May this offering stretch across the skies
and these Halleluiahs be multiplied. (Mutiplied)
However, today, a special day (Mary Our Mother's birthday) we received special news. The cyst that was growing far faster than the baby has decreased in size. What was once 3 times bigger than it should be is only just slightly larger than normal and our baby's heartbeat, which we were able to hear today, was strong and steady, a reassuring sign to us and the doctors. The Lord is working in all. And as the Lord reveals his plans slowly the baby is also slowly growing.
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| Baby Justin, 6 months old Check out baby Justin as a newborn |
Jesus may we trust in your divine plan, your faithfulness, and your constant love in each moment!
Beautiful! We love you.
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